Racism and authenticity
I spent the last four days in Los Angeles attending a workshop about online marketing. As you can probably tell by now, I’m a bit of a geek, and I love learning about new methods to help get my message out to more people.
Unexpectedly, I came away from the workshop thinking a lot about the power of authenticity.
The woman who ran the workshop is someone I don’t really relate to at all. She’s a girly-girl, all pink, sparkles, big blonde hair, and way too much Ricky Martin music. (As a friend of mine quipped, “she’s a total Barbie.”)
But here’s the thing: I had the best time at the workshop! Why? Because I could tell she was totally comfortable in her skin. This was really who she was, and she was unabashed about it. And because of that, it didn’t in any way detract from the information she shared with us. If anything, it actually enhanced her message.
The ability to just be yourself is a lot harder to come by than we might think. And one of the biggest obstacles can be racism. Specifically, racial stereotypes.
I’m not particularly meek, yet at almost every job I’ve held, people have thought of me as a shy and quiet Asian girl. Because of that, I’ve always had to project an exaggerated version of my personality, just to be perceived as normal.
I know so many people who have had to battle racial stereotypes by suppressing their authentic selves: the black man who acts extra-ingratiating so he won’t be seen as threatening, the Latina woman who dresses in baggy clothes so she won’t be pegged as the sexy caliente mami, the black woman who speaks in soft tones so she won’t be labeled as angry.
Not only is it exhausting to do this, it means you’re denying an essential part of who you are. And that’s just one of the many ways in which racism dehumanizes us all.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Minotaar Said,
November 19, 2008 @ 9:25 pm
Right on! I have a friend who did the same thing as you – always acting more assertive than she actually was to avoid the Asian Female preconceptions. She hated it. Sadly, I think that it turned into general avoidance of being Asian (or being associated with anything Asian) in any way.
Heather Said,
December 1, 2008 @ 11:16 am
I am an Asian female who has (sadly) worked hard to avoid being associated with stereotypes about my race and gender. Unfortunately, this has also led to some identity struggles that I did not anticipate. It makes me more than a little sad that I did not see an alternative to the dichotomy of either being stereotyped or having to reject my heritage entirely. I have found it difficult to come to terms with myself as I am when it seems that people (most often other Asians, in my experience) are so intent on imposing their ideas of who I am/should be upon me.
Minotaar Said,
December 3, 2008 @ 1:28 am
Heather, I’m deeply interested in hearing more about your opinions and feelings on the dichotomy you describe. What is the pressure you are feeling that tries to force you to choose between between being stereotyped and rejecting your heritage? Help me walk a bit in your shoes.
Heather Said,
December 3, 2008 @ 4:07 pm
Minotaar: The pressure mostly comes from outside influences. I’ve found that because I look very typically Asian (although I do have small amounts of Portuguese and Hawaiian blood), people are extremely quick to put me into a certain box.
Asians want to know whether I’m Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc. And the question that inevitably follows is, “Do you speak Japanese?” As a fourth generation Asian-American, I was not taught Japanese. In fact, I learned Spanish growing up as it seemed more practical than learning Japanese. When I reveal this part of myself, there is palpable disappointment in my being “white washed” and having rejected my heritage. Or when going out with friends, if I am with non-Asians, I get ugly, disapproving looks from other Asians. I don’t necessarily think I chose to reject my heritage as much as it was rejected for me simply because I was not considered Asian enough. I’ve found that it’s made it hard for me to even appreciate Asian culture and has left me with very little desire to associate myself with such a group so bent on exclusion.
Non-Asians, on the other hand, want to know if my dad knows karate, and they automatically assume I speak Japanese and am an expert on all things from Japan. They expect me to eat rice at every meal and sit at home watching anime or crazy game shows. At the very least they expect me to have an Asian accent. (I can’t tell you how many times my family and I have been told that we “speak English very well.”) Men assume that I’m docile and complacent and content to be quiet and make them dinner and give them massages.
The truth is, I’m somewhere in between. I do love Japanese food. I did go to Japanese school as a child (but I quit going before it made much of a lasting impact). My family is somewhat traditional in terms of emphasizing respect for elders, taking pride in your work, and strong discipline. I am very good at using chopsticks. However, I also love hip-hop and soul. I was close, at one point in my life, to being fluent in Spanish. My boyfriend is not Asian. My friends are all shapes and colors. I don’t cover my mouth when I giggle. I don’t believe that the Japanese race and our culture is better than any other.
I’d love to just be what I am, which is a mash-up of all kinds of Asian and non-Asian influences, but it seems that other people have a much more difficult time with it. As soon as I reveal something about myself that is “so Asian” or “white washed,” that is how I am defined.
I hope this helps you understand a bit. I’m still in the process of sorting some of this out for myself…
Minotaar Said,
December 4, 2008 @ 3:54 pm
Thanks for informing me some more, Heather. I really appreciate the time. If you dont mind, I have a few other questions, mostly for clarification.
The questions and preconceptions you mentioned to get seem to relate a lot to people who dont know you – your friends are going to know if your dad knows karate, and that you like hip-hop, for example. For me, personally, I find that the questions I get from people who dont know me tend not to affect me or my identity. I’m tall, but I’m not terribly offended if people ask if I play(ed) basketball, nor does it cause me to ask myself if I should have played basketball. Is this what you meant by outside pressure?
Do you feel congruent preconceptions and misperceptions from those who are close – your family and your friends? To me, this would be far harder to deal with, and would likely affect my personal identity more.
Also, I’m a little confused by one thing you said; earlier, you mentioned that “It makes [you] more than a little sad that I did not see an alternative to the dichotomy of either being stereotyped or having to reject my heritage entirely.” But I saw your personal description (the preference for hip hop, strong discipline, partial fluency in Spanish, and respect for your elders, as that of an individual who has an identity that is a successful mash-up of at least two cultures. Before you replied, your comment suggested that you had a problem defining yourself, but your later comments suggest that the real problem is that others are having problems defining you.
Another thing I’m trying to understand is that there is definitely a part of getting to know any person which involves the abolishment of preconceptions. For anyone, those preconceptions are going to take similar forms – the Korean girl who likes to wear black might have to explain that she’s not goth, for example – because people have similar preconceptions. How much are the preconceptions that you are dealing with – white guys asking if your dad does karate, etc – go beyond the “getting to know you” phase and become repeated problems? As a 4th generation Asian American (something that should be mentioned is very rare – most Asian Americans are 1st and 2nd gen), it seems possible that getting to know you might involve the abolishment of more preconceptions than even for most Asian Americans. I guess what I’m saying is that since you are an unusual Asian Americans, are you cutting these people enough slack, or are they really douchebags?
Minotaar Said,
December 4, 2008 @ 4:04 pm
Im sorry, bad example. There are people who do feel bad or oppressed about being short, though. Heightism is one of those problems that just feels unassailable until we can deal with the more painful problems of gender and race..
Heather Said,
December 5, 2008 @ 12:10 pm
Minotaar: I appreciate your thoughts very much and your willingness to dialogue with me about these things. As I said, I’m still working through a lot of these issues myself, and it’s helpful to have someone to bounce my thoughts off.
I used examples of people who don’t know me mostly because those are the easiest and most blatant examples that came to mind. My family and friends are more difficult for me to pinpoint in terms of the things they do and how it makes me feel regarding my identity.
Both sides of my family come from Hawaii, and although it is part of the U.S., it is dominated by Asian and Polynesian cultures. As a result, many people grow up learning Asian languages and culture. My mother, for example, is (or was) very nearly fluent in Japanese, and she understands Japanese culture. I was never taught these things, but I always felt like I should somehow already know them. Asking my mother and other members of my family about what certain Japanese words meant or questions about Japanese culture felt shameful. Not that they ever came right out and said that it was disgraceful for me to not already know the answers, but it seemed clear to me as a child, that those questions were inappropriate.
My friends, historically, have not been Asian. And although they don’t do it maliciously, I have always been teased for being Asian. For example, we’d all be laughing, and someone would say, “Hey Heather, can you even see through your eyes when you laugh?” Or if another Asian in public does something conspicuous and perhaps not in line with American culture, “Why did that Asian girl just do that?” I’m not a particularly sensitive person, so it’s not as though I’m hurt by these comments. But they serve as a constant reminder that I am other and don’t quite fit in.
I know that I am in the position to readjust people’s ideas of what it means to be an Asian-American and maybe I should see that as a privilege. But, if I’m honest, I’ve played that role, and I’m really quite tired of having to be the educator. I know that I could speak up about the effect that comments like that have on my sense of identity, but again, I’ve done that, and I’m tired of coming across as the overly-sensitive woman who can’t take a little teasing.
I think I’ve always seen myself through other people’s eyes or at least my identity came within the context of my situation and not necessarily how I saw myself as an individual (if that makes any sense). So other people’s perceptions of me shaped my own perception of myself and how I saw myself fitting into the world. Growing up, I didn’t see much of an option other than rejecting my heritage since I did not feel like I was accepted by it. And that’s how I lived my life for the first probably 20 years of it. It’s only been recently that I have begun to come to terms with the fact that I do not fit into one particular culture and that I am a product of many different kinds of influences. It’s been even more difficult for me to appreciate who I am and to let myself enjoy my seemingly incongruous affinities.
I am not sure if this helped to clarify anything or if I just made things more muddled… but please, feel free to ask more questions if you have them.
patti digh Said,
December 6, 2008 @ 10:04 am
fascinating post and comments – my thanks. There is another word for this – “covering.” We all “cover” to some degree, and yet some of us feel (or make others to feel) that we have to “cover” more than others. There is a book written by a gay Asian attorney called “Covering” that you might enjoy taking a look at….
nezua Said,
December 6, 2008 @ 10:21 am
Yes, Heather. You are so weird an Asian that you flummox even Asian Americans—according to Minotaar. You need to cut everyone more slack. Giving them all such a hard time with your identity crisis.
Amazing.
Anyway, thanks for the great post, Carmen. And Heather, I really understand so much of what you say. Even as a multi-racial 2nd generation Mexican American. You’ll figure it out. Keep being true to yourself about it. Don’t doubt yourself. It’s easy to do that, especially as everyone you run into when you are figuring this stuff out seems to pretend to know what you should be or think about yourself better than you. Take it all with a grain of salt. Forge on! And chill with like-minded people who understand your struggle without having to take a class from you to get it. Because they’ve lived it. It helps a lot.
Minotaar Said,
December 7, 2008 @ 9:09 pm
Stop assuming that just because two people are Asian that they should instantly relate. And stop patronizing Heather by making her out to be a victim.
Shared Asianness doesnt guarantee that two people can necessarily relate. Asians are an ethnically and generationally diverse quarter of the world’s population. I cannot speak specifically for Heathers Japanese-Hawaiian-Portugese ancestry, but I do know that very few Japanese immigrated in the late 1800s early 1900s, when, 4 generations ago, her relatives came over. Not only are there are far fewer Japanese, but the imperial government of Japan at the time was probably not so big on the idea of people leaving to go to America, and they had only recently opened up trade with the west – after asshole American gunships came and wrecked their harbor. It was very unlikely for anyone of Japanese origin to show up in the US, and this is part of Heathers unique and exciting family story.
Heather’s unusual background isnt going to “flummox” anyone. But it will require some explaining. I think most people, like me, would find it fascinating. That her background might draw curiosity from Asian Americans (or any American, or any PERSON, for that matter) doesnt mean that Heather is weird. It just means she has an exciting story, and that to prevent people from assuming that she’s “like any other Asian girl” there will be more stereotypes to dispel.
By the way, your blog advertises for Mexican fetish dating. Gross. Real Unapologetic.
“Our Mexican personals are the best starting point to meeting single Mexicans be they single Mexican women, beautiful Mexican girls or sexy Mexican ladies…the whole single Mexican population can be found right here at MexicanCupid.com”
LOL.
Jessica Said,
June 14, 2009 @ 4:40 am
Carmen and Heather, I agree with both of you. I go through the exact same thing every day. Even though I live in New York where there is a great racial diversity, I still have to face racism. Even though I am a second generation Korean American, I am always struggling to let others see me as American not as a foreigner. No, I do not dress flashy or have really cool hair like Asian international students. However, somehow the first thing that people would say right away is “Where are you from?” which is really annoying. And judging by their accent, they seem to be foreigners mostly Spanish or Black homeless people. I mean no offense toward Black or Spanish. Then they harrass me with dirty sexual remarks. And because of these disgusting experiences, I dress up even more plain and nerdier even though it’s New York and we’re serious about fashion. It happens to me really frequently like almost everyday. It’s really exhausting to be Asian.