Parenting and the myth of instant love
by Carmen Van Kerckhove
The first time I held Sean in my arms, I didn’t cry.
That surprised me. After all, in practically every movie I’ve watched, when women are handed their baby immediately after giving birth, they inevitably break down, sobbing out of joy.
But unlike those women, I wasn’t overwhelmed by an instant rush of love. More than anything else, I was just kind of stunned that Sean was finally here and that she was a real (albeit tiny) person.
In the weeks and months following the birth, the bond between us grew stronger, bit by bit. But it wasn’t until the 3-month mark — when she would smile in recognition each time she saw me — that I truly felt the kind of deep, warm love I was expecting to feel as a mother.
In hindsight, I realize that a parent/child relationship is, in some respects, not that different from any other type of relationship. The better you get to know someone, the closer you feel to them.
I suspect my experience was not atypical, but it’s not one I have ever seen depicted on TV or in a movie. And that’s unfortunate, because along with all the other pressures new mothers face (avoid a C-section! breastfeed at all costs! feed your baby organic food only!), many of us are left wondering if there’s something abnormal about our feelings.
The reality is that love is rarely — if ever — instant.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
lovepeaceohana Said,
October 13, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
No, I don’t think your experience was atypical at all. I spent the first week in the hospital trying to adjust to the feeling of strangeness that accompanied having this new, tiny little person in my life. It wasn’t love at first sight by any means.
Then again, it’s not like Hollywood is out there to tell true stories. So, grain of salt. It’s just tough to have to do it again and again and again as we unlearn and unravel all those myths we learn about who we are and who we’re supposed to be.
Thom Said,
October 13, 2009 @ 8:57 pm
One of my wife’s friends was thoughtful enough to explain this to us around the time our first child was born. “Don’t worry, it’s not unusual to not feel a rush of love immediately. The love comes as you love them, help them, and get to know them.” Possibly the best new parent advice we got.
Liza Said,
October 13, 2009 @ 9:29 pm
Ditto. With my first, I didn’t connect until 3 months or so. But with the latter 2, it felt much more immediate. I didn’t sob after delivery but definitely felt more connected later on.
Cindy Said,
October 13, 2009 @ 9:31 pm
I think your experience is more typical. True love is not instant but comes with knowing, with the act of loving, and that takes time. Every time you comfort Sean, feed her and the other hundred things you do for her in your day is about growing love. Hats off to you for an honest telling of your own experience.
I dare say many women would be afraid to admit such a thing. I also suspect that many would receive the very judgmental attitudes they fear. I wonder how many women think they are bad mothers because they didn’t have an instant flood of love. I also wonder how many “rewrote” their memories to include an emotion that didn’t really exist at first.
The seconds old baby comes when you are exhausted and probably in pain. Things around you are in chaos and the baby is handed to you while you are still in a daze. What “real” emotion can anyone have in this circumstance?
Nina Said,
October 14, 2009 @ 8:31 am
Amen. I went through the same feelings. I intellectually knew that I loved my child, but didn’t feel that burst in my heart until my child developed the capacity for emotional reciprocity. The frist weeks of motherhood are a blur of diapers, feedings and sheer exhaustion. I didn’t feel that connection till the smiles started around month 3. And that’s OK.
Carmen, you will discover, as you go on this journey that so much of motherhood is nothing like what “they” told you. It is a lot of drudgery and rule setting, and putting out fires and then cleaning up after them. Do I wish it was easier, yes. Is it all worth it, yes. But it is not as glamorous as Hollywood makes it seem. When I hear stars gushing about their hearts exploding at the birth of their children, I just chalk it up to what I assume are their overly dramatic personalities.
Steve Said,
October 19, 2009 @ 10:42 pm
Is it really fair to say that instant love is a myth? Aren’t you constructing a discourse in which people who claim to have experienced it are put on the defensive by the implication that what they experienced was not reality (the opposite of myth) but some kind of delusion? How is that any more fair than the existing implication that people who don’t experience instant love are somehow unfeeling or deficient?
Is it really so difficult to talk about our own experiences as being legitimate without privileging them over the differing experiences of others?
skreader Said,
October 27, 2009 @ 9:46 pm
Your experience was similar to mine. I’ve always liked babies and young children and when I first held my eldest, I thought “nice baby” but was not overwhelmed. But that’s me in general, I’ve never been a “love at first sight” person. When I had my younger child, I even felt a little guilty at first because by then my attachment to the older one was so strong in comparison to the younger one, but I remembered that my love grew and so it proved to be the case.
I would say it’s just typical of media representations of women’s emotions in general, we are expected and encouraged to be “swept off our feet”, even by a newborn closely resembling a plucked chicken.