In search of work life balance
by Carmen Van Kerckhove
Last month, I spent a few days in Washington D.C. on business. When I got back, Serge met me at the airport and we went straight to my mother-in-law’s house to pick up Sean.
It had been the most time I’d spent away from Sean since she was born, so I was anxious to hold her again.
When I finally saw Sean, I was surprised to find that I felt a little emotionally detached from her. And unless it was my imagination, she didn’t seem super-excited to see me either. Happy, yes. Delighted, no.
Later that night I told Serge how upset I was by my strange reaction. I asked him what he thought was going on, and he said, “You’re not spending enough time with her.”
It was a shock to hear him put it so bluntly, but when I thought about it, he was absolutely right. I was spending time with Sean, but not really quality time.
See, my mother-in-law takes care of Sean three days a week. The other two days of the week, Sean stays with me and Serge, but we’re basically working the whole time she’s with us.
On Sundays, I spend most of my afternoon podcasting and facilitating The Racialicious Experience by phone. So that really just leaves Saturdays for quality time with Sean. And if I’m out of town or otherwise occupied one weekend, that day is gone.
Needless to say, I was consumed with guilt. So the next week, I more or less blew off work and spent most of my week focused on Sean, playing, reading, taking her for walks. I felt an immediate change in our relationship: we were close again, and she seemed absolutely delighted that she was getting my undivided attention. That part was wonderful. What was less wonderful was how crappy I felt for not getting any work done.
It has really amazed me how hard it’s been to find some kind of “balance” between work and parenting — especially considering the fact that I have the relative luxury of setting my own hours and getting help with childcare from my mother-in-law.
I’ve written a bit about this on Facebook and Twitter, and the responses I’ve received have been so valuable. It’s great to get instant advice from other parents who have been through it, or who are still going through it. So thank you to all of you who have weighed in! Please do continue to send me your tips — I can use all the help I can get.
Carmen Van Kerckhove is co-founder and president of 
Donna Papacosta Said,
November 10, 2009 @ 12:43 pm
For what it’s worth, when I look back at the time I spent with my daughters, I treasure every hour in the rocking chair with a nursing baby, every muffin we baked together, every minute spent frolicking in the snow, and every silly game we played on the family-room floor. Later, as they needed me less, I spent more time on my career. And now they are 18 and 21, so I can work 24/7. I don’t know if there is a “balance” to be achieved, unless you’re looking back over 21 years.
lovepeaceohana Said,
November 10, 2009 @ 1:12 pm
I think that feeling of guilt is very common to new parents. It doesn’t help that our socially-fed expectations of what parenthood “should” be like is often quite far from the reality of what it means to actually be in charge of such a tiny little life. Someone on truemomconfessions.com once posted how she believes that if you cannot take the first year of your child’s life off work, then you have no business having children – I couldn’t believe how utterly privileged that woman must be, to not only have taken that time for herself but to then make it a requirement for every other parent regardless of their own personal life circumstances. It still makes me angry to think about, honestly.
In the end, I think we all do the best we can with the resources we have. Nobody has to be SuperMom to still be a good mother. I work full-time so that half my paycheck can go to childcare and the other half toward groceries and bills, and still, seeing my son’s smile at the end of the day when I pick him up is hugely rewarding. I know he still loves me for what I can give him, and that’s good enough for us.
Cindy Said,
November 10, 2009 @ 1:57 pm
Good for you in recognizing that you feel distance and making an effort to reconnect. You may have sensed Sean mirroring your own disconnect more so than Sean actually feeling distance. If she is more introverted in her personality she may take cues from you and need you to make the first step. The more you connect the more she will be there with you. This is much like walking around with a smile on your face. You get a lot more people smiling at you too.
Balance is elusive. Some days you will have and others not. Try not to be so critical of yourself when it’s not happening…easier said than done. You are learning too.
Don’t discount the importance of just being with Sean even though you are engaged in other activities. Focused quality time is great, but she will derive a great deal of comfort and security by just being in the same space with you and Serge.
Sarah Kelly Said,
November 11, 2009 @ 1:35 pm
It not just new parents, but all parents feel this way. This may be awful to say but you will get used to feeling guilty and inadequate as a parent. Even stay at home parents feel this way, so without work where would that leave you? Work is easy after becoming a parent.
That said, the only advice I have to offer is establish that evening routine of going to bed. Make an hour or two of it – is simply the best opportunity to connect with your child. Teach songs, tell stories, tuck them in and read, even to infants. I can’t count the number of times I read “Goodnight Moon”. Make a ritual of it and it will be what they remember.