I can’t tell you how many people have told me to slow down and cherish every moment with Sean, because time is going to fly.

At first I thought it was a nice sentiment, but a bit of an exaggeration. How quickly could time really go by? Especially when you’re operating on little to no sleep?

But here I am, wondering where the last 7 months have gone.

Sean has transformed from a blob that did nothing but sleep on my chest 20 hours a day, to a laughing ball of energy who’s already showing signs of having a penchant for danger.

Her current (ill-advised) obsessions? Chewing on electrical wires and crawling off the edges of sofas and beds. Keeping her out of trouble is already a full-time job!

Happy 7-month birthday, Sean!

Addicted to Race is our weekly talk show podcast about all things race. Here’s a rundown of what you’ll find in this episode:

What are some strategies for overcoming resistance to gay rights in the African-American community? Does the movie Precious exploit black dysfunction? Did CNN’s special on “Black Men in the Age of President Obama” reinforce stereotypes about black gay men? Given the popularity of “mommy memoirs,” why aren’t there more women of color writing these books? Tami Winfrey Harris, Andrea Plaid, and Dumi Lewis discuss.

Addicted to Race is broadcast live every Sunday afternoon at 12 pm Eastern. You can listen live on our BlogTalkRadio page and call in by dialing 347-996-3958.

Right-click here to download an MP3 of Addicted to Race Episode 126
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Click here to never miss an episode by subscribing to us in iTunes
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click the button below to play it immediately

Back in 2004 when I first started speaking and blogging about race, I was invited to facilitate a phone discussion with a group of parents who had adopted children from outside the United States.

One of the mothers in the group was white and Jewish. She adopted her son from an African country, and was raising him in her faith. She told me that she wanted my advice on a situation she was dealing with.

Her nanny was a Jamaican woman. One day, the nanny came home and the mother noticed she looked upset. The mother asked her what was wrong, but the nanny just shook her head and said everything was fine.

The mother was concerned, so she kept prodding, but the nanny was still reluctant to say anything. The mother was persistent, and told her that this was a safe space for her to share. She said there wouldn’t be any judgments, no matter what it was about.

Finally, the nanny broke down and said, “You people don’t know how to act!”

She explained that anytime she took the child for play dates in their mostly white and Jewish neighborhood, parents would treat her brusquely and avoid eye contact. Whenever she went to a store, salespeople would follow her around to make sure she didn’t steal anything. When she went to pay for items, the cashier would treat take great pains not to touch her hand when giving her change back.

She had been putting up with this kind of discrimination for a long time now because she loved working with this family, but she didn’t know how much longer she could go on as it was wearing on her emotionally.

“Can you believe that?” the mother asked me, her voice shaking with anger.

I was about to respond by expressing how sorry I was that this level of prejudice existed in her community, when the mother continued.

“I’m going to fire her! How dare she call Jews ‘you people!’ I’m Jewish and my son is Jewish. I’m just going to have to fire her because I don’t feel safe around her anymore.”

I was stunned.

Not only did the mother completely ignore the very real discrimination her nanny was dealing with; she managed to turn the entire situation around so that she became the victim.

In subsequent years, I’ve come to realize that this kind of behavior is not at all unusual.

If anything it’s the norm, not the exception, for people to be pre-occupied with their own suffering and supremely uninterested in hearing about the oppression others face.

This lack of empathy is one of the biggest roadblocks we face in dismantling racism.

If we’re serious about social justice, we need to recognize that when one of us is discriminated against, it’s an affront to us all.

Last month, I spent a few days in Washington D.C. on business. When I got back, Serge met me at the airport and we went straight to my mother-in-law’s house to pick up Sean.

It had been the most time I’d spent away from Sean since she was born, so I was anxious to hold her again.

When I finally saw Sean, I was surprised to find that I felt a little emotionally detached from her. And unless it was my imagination, she didn’t seem super-excited to see me either. Happy, yes. Delighted, no.

Later that night I told Serge how upset I was by my strange reaction. I asked him what he thought was going on, and he said, “You’re not spending enough time with her.”

It was a shock to hear him put it so bluntly, but when I thought about it, he was absolutely right. I was spending time with Sean, but not really quality time.

See, my mother-in-law takes care of Sean three days a week. The other two days of the week, Sean stays with me and Serge, but we’re basically working the whole time she’s with us.

On Sundays, I spend most of my afternoon podcasting and facilitating The Racialicious Experience by phone. So that really just leaves Saturdays for quality time with Sean. And if I’m out of town or otherwise occupied one weekend, that day is gone.

Needless to say, I was consumed with guilt. So the next week, I more or less blew off work and spent most of my week focused on Sean, playing, reading, taking her for walks. I felt an immediate change in our relationship: we were close again, and she seemed absolutely delighted that she was getting my undivided attention. That part was wonderful. What was less wonderful was how crappy I felt for not getting any work done.

It has really amazed me how hard it’s been to find some kind of “balance” between work and parenting — especially considering the fact that I have the relative luxury of setting my own hours and getting help with childcare from my mother-in-law.

I’ve written a bit about this on Facebook and Twitter, and the responses I’ve received have been so valuable. It’s great to get instant advice from other parents who have been through it, or who are still going through it. So thank you to all of you who have weighed in! Please do continue to send me your tips — I can use all the help I can get.

Addicted to Race is our weekly talk show podcast about all things race. Here’s a rundown of what you’ll find in this episode:

MLK’s daughter recently declared that her father didn’t take a bullet for same-sex unions. Why is it that marginalized people fight each other over scraps, instead of uniting to work toward justice for all? Capitalism as we know it is simply not sustainable. We discuss the work of economist Noreena Hertz, and explore the link between capitalism and social justice. Is the new dress code at the all-male Morehouse College a symptom of how out of touch the school is with the realities and lives of black men today? Carmen Van Kerckhove, Latoya Peterson, and Tami Winfrey Harris discuss.

Addicted to Race is broadcast live every Sunday afternoon at 12 pm Eastern. You can listen live on our BlogTalkRadio page and call in by dialing 347-996-3958.

Right-click here to download an MP3 of Addicted to Race Episode 125
or
Click here to never miss an episode by subscribing to us in iTunes
or
click the button below to play it immediately

Addicted to Race is our weekly talk show podcast about all things race. Here’s a rundown of what you’ll find in this episode:

Since the implementation of affirmative action in the college admissions process, opponents of the policy have alleged that the changes reduce the chances of White and Asian high school students applying to elite colleges. Is that really true? Tyra Banks often tackles race on her talk show, so why did she get race oh-so-wrong in last week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model, in which contestants wore colorface to mimic different ethnic mixtures? Fat black women are often the butt of the joke in low-brow comedy films. But when a smart comedy like “Parks & Recreation” dabbles in it, what does that say about our biases against race and size? Newsweek writer Allison Samuels sparked furor around the ‘Net recently with an article taking Angelina Jolie to task for her daughter Zahara’s allegedly uncared for tresses. Does Samuels ultimately uphold Eurocentric beauty standards? Carmen Van Kerckhove and Tami Winfrey Harris discuss.

Addicted to Race is broadcast live every Sunday afternoon at 12 pm Eastern. You can listen live on our BlogTalkRadio page and call in by dialing 347-996-3958.

Right-click here to download an MP3 of Addicted to Race Episode 124
or
Click here to never miss an episode by subscribing to us in iTunes
or
click the button below to play it immediately

I was on NPR’s Tell Me More yesterday to talk about the racial politics of Halloween, something we’ve been discussing quite a bit this week on both Racialicious and Love Isn’t Enough. You can listen to the segment or read the transcript.

I started eyeing costumes in that damned One Step Ahead catalog months ago! Originally I wanted the bumble bee costume for Sean (yellow and black, hardy har har!) but they didn’t have infant sizes for that one.

So Sean will be going as a little spider instead. Can’t wait for the cute overload to begin!

Addicted to Race is our weekly talk show podcast about all things race. Here’s a rundown of what you’ll find in this episode:

Did CNN’s documentary series “Latino in America” break new ground? Or did it simply reaffirm existing stereotypes? Why do so many people use Halloween as an opportunity to dress up as someone of a different race or ethnicity? Are the so-called “homeland tours” — in which countries like China and Korea invite adoptees to visit their birthplaces — simply public relations exercises for those countries? We all have ways of responding when someone makes racist comments. But what do you do when that person is your partner’s child? Carmen Van Kerckhove, Tami Winfrey Harris, and Arturo Garcia discuss.

Addicted to Race is broadcast live every Sunday afternoon at 12 pm Eastern. You can listen live on our BlogTalkRadio page and call in by dialing 347-996-3958.

Right-click here to download an MP3 of Addicted to Race Episode 123
or
Click here to never miss an episode by subscribing to us in iTunes
or
click the button below to play it immediately

Addicted to Race is our weekly talk show podcast about all things race. Here’s a rundown of what you’ll find in this episode:

How do we tie anti-racism into policy changes when whites are so weary of talking about race? Did white privilege have anything to do with the seeming lack of guilt on behalf of the white mother who terminated an adoption of her South American son? Are accusations of communism about redistribution of wealth, or redistribution of other kinds of privilege? The recent blackface spread in French Vogue has once again raised the question: why can’t the fashion industry do better when it comes to race? Tami Winfrey Harris, Lisa Wade, and Minh-ha Pham discuss.

Addicted to Race is broadcast live every Sunday afternoon at 12 pm Eastern. You can listen live on our BlogTalkRadio page and call in by dialing 347-996-3958.

Right-click here to download an MP3 of Addicted to Race Episode 122
or
Click here to never miss an episode by subscribing to us in iTunes
or
click the button below to play it immediately

The first time I held Sean in my arms, I didn’t cry.

That surprised me. After all, in practically every movie I’ve watched, when women are handed their baby immediately after giving birth, they inevitably break down, sobbing out of joy.

But unlike those women, I wasn’t overwhelmed by an instant rush of love. More than anything else, I was just kind of stunned that Sean was finally here and that she was a real (albeit tiny) person.

In the weeks and months following the birth, the bond between us grew stronger, bit by bit. But it wasn’t until the 3-month mark — when she would smile in recognition each time she saw me — that I truly felt the kind of deep, warm love I was expecting to feel as a mother.

In hindsight, I realize that a parent/child relationship is, in some respects, not that different from any other type of relationship. The better you get to know someone, the closer you feel to them.

I suspect my experience was not atypical, but it’s not one I have ever seen depicted on TV or in a movie. And that’s unfortunate, because along with all the other pressures new mothers face (avoid a C-section! breastfeed at all costs! feed your baby organic food only!), many of us are left wondering if there’s something abnormal about our feelings.

The reality is that love is rarely — if ever — instant.